


What Price Freedom?

by eirenical (chibi1723)



Category: Doctrine of Labyrinths - Sarah Monette
Genre: Canonical Character Death, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Instrospection, M/M, Mentions of Felix Harrowgate/Murtagh | Ferrand Carey, Nontraditional Relationship(s), Open Relationships, POV First Person, Post-Series, mentions of - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 20:02:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5469242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibi1723/pseuds/eirenical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been over a year since Kay married Vanessa Pallister, becoming Warden of Grimglass, and Murtagh misses his friend more than he thought he could.  When he arranges a visit, he is met with the reality that Kay is slowly but surely healing, becoming someone very different than he had once been.  Even so, Murtagh remains drawn to him, attracted to that quiet strength in ways far different than friendship would allow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Price Freedom?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Frostfire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostfire/gifts).



**_Murtagh_ **

I was 25 the first time I laid eyes on the Margrave of Rothmarlin. He was younger than I by at least two years, perhaps three, yet he wore the mantle of leadership with far greater comfort than I ever had. It was a new weight on me, still, but he had borne it for seven years and more. Rothmarlin had become margrave at fifteen. At that tender age, I had not yet even been heir.

Watching him then, I’d wondered at the easy way Rothmarlin held himself. He was cold, aloof, almost savage—the very picture of a warrior. He wore a sword with the same ease with which most men wore their boots, and there was a look in his eyes which harkened back to the battlefield. Even in repose, he never stopped scanning the room, never stopped watching for an attack which was nowhere in the offing. As many years as he had been margrave, he had been a warrior even longer than that. I was no slouch with a sword myself, but it was not born instinct in me as it was with him.

Rothmarlin’s sister—the one he was negotiating with me for the hand of—had a similar look about her. She was just as aloof, just as savage in her way as Rothmarlin was in his, but hers was a hot savagery. There was hate in her heart, fury seething in her eyes. She did not have it in her to be cold. In that way, she and I are a better match than anyone could have predicted. I, too, am not in the habit of coldness. I never lost the habit of enjoying what freedom life had to offer me, what pleasures could be had for the taking if one were open to reaching for them. In that, too, Isobel and I are well matched, unused to denying ourselves the things we want.

Rothmarlin, though… he was different. Such strength bundled in such a small package. I was not an overly tall man, myself, but Rothmarlin was shorter even than I—evidence of his mother’s Usaran blood, or so I had heard. Years later, Isobel would confirm the rumors for me in the midst of one of her most savage rants about her brother’s qualities, or lack thereof. Still, he fascinated me. He was so much my opposite, his life and upbringing so different, that I will readily admit that the more Isobel told me of him, the more I wished to know. Rumors and stories circulated about him; even in Esmer, his name struck fear into the hearts of the people. He was a nightmare monster used to frighten children, and even his own sister would not deny that such tales held a grain of truth. In the eyes of genteel Corambins, Rothmarlin _was_ a monster, a wild beast barely held in check by the master who held his leash. So, it was not until Gerrard Hume picked up that leash that those in Corambin high society even began to take the Insurgence seriously. Rothmarlin always made them sit up and take notice.

But that was years ago, and times had changed. My brother by marriage was a margrave no longer. As he had so firmly told me, himself, he was Rothmarlin no longer, as well. He no longer carried a sword with ease; he no longer even carried himself with ease. Deprived of his lord, deprived of his lands, deprived of his very sight, he was no longer the stuff of which nightmares were made. And yet…

I knew better than anyone that it was not only prowess on the battlefield that made a leader. Many a man who was a successful warrior was an abysmal failure at ruling even so much as a single house, and many men who ruled with ease did not do so at the point of their own swords. Kay Brightmore, though a margrave no longer, had that spark that many men lacked. He would be a successful leader whether or not he could fight. It was what made him so dangerous. It was what made him a threat. And it was ultimately why it was both a curse and a blessing that the solution of Grimglass had presented itself so neatly when I needed it. A curse because, had I had the right of choice, I’d not have sent him that far from me. I’d have kept him by my side, his intelligence, his insight, a formidable asset to my own aspirations. A blessing because I had need of him at Grimglass, where his intelligence and insight would be just as formidable an asset as it would have been at my side.

Still, I’d rather not have seen him go. After weeks of living with him in my home, I had grown used to his presence, his friendship. I had grown used to matching wits with one possessed of a mind as quick as my own, yet who saw the world in such vastly different ways than I. I had enjoyed watching as he began to reach a peace with his new world, to even begin to tame his blindness. I had thrilled to each of his small successes, each ability he regained, each friend he reached out to, and it had thrown me more than I cared to admit when he had disappeared—even more so when I finally understood how close I’d come to losing him for good when he had.

The nightmare of those few days, the fear that I’d be too late, that I had been fooling myself when I thought I could save him, would not leave me any time soon. To this day, I don’t know who had been more frantic to get him back, Isobel or I. For all that she resented him, for all that she had hated him once, he was her brother. His loss would be one from which she would not easily recover. And after Summerdown, I was forced to realize that his loss was not one from I would easily recover, either. In just a few short weeks, he had become closer to me than any friend I had had before, and that scared me. I was not a man who relied easily on others, not even my own wife, yet I had come to rely on him—for companionship, for his quick mind and biting wit, and much else besides.

So, perhaps I pushed him into marriage quicker than I ought to have. Perhaps I pushed him out to Grimglass sooner than was prudent. But he needed to be useful and I needed him useful… and far away from me. For I was not ignorant enough to think that Kay Brightmore would ever be content as a kept man, trotted out only for conversation and banter when the mood struck me. Such protective cocooning would destroy him as quickly as the engine of Summerdown had tried. No. The best thing I could do for both Kay and for myself was to let him go, to release him to a place and a people who had need of him, who could allow him to stand on his own, to become someone new, free from the expectations of his past.

And thus, here we were: he in Grimglass and I in Esmer, and it had been months—more than a year—since last we had spoken in person. It was Isobel who finally put an end to my dallying over the matter. A year was long enough, she had decided, to leave Kay at Julian’s mercy without even a visit to see how they were getting on. By all reports, Julian was progressing well—certainly his penmanship had improved—learning as quickly as Kay could teach him. Having put this distance and time between us, it would be good meet again, to reevaluate my opinion of the boy without frustration getting in the way. And I was not the only one of we two to understand what it was that Isobel was really after in sending me to Grimglass. After all, in her own way, she cared for Kay, too. 

**_Mildmay_ **

You’d think after the last few indictions of excitement, now that we were stuck in one spot, out of the way in the back end of nowhere, that I’d be pretty damned bored of the whole business. Grimglass sure as hell wasn’t the Lower City. It wasn’t even Esmer. It had been pretty easy to see from the very first day why Vanessa Pallister had been so damned eager for an excuse to be shut of it, even for a little while. There was nothing for someone like her here; she was bright and clever and as charming as any high society lady when she bothered herself to be. She was bored to tears here and she didn’t care who knew it.

Me? Maybe it was on account of Felix, or maybe I’d finally lost my taste for adventure for good, but I didn’t mind it so much. The lighthouse itself was good and fascinatin’ and it was comfortable enough for someone who wasn’t keen on crowds of people, no more. So, yeah. I’d say it suited me just fine. What really surprised me, though, was how Felix took to it. Like a fucking cat to a bowl of cream and skein of yarn. He could lose himself for hours in the lighthouse records, trying to work out this entry or that entry, puzzlin’ out the spells that kept the place runnin’ and tryin’ to improve on ‘em. I didn’t like to jinx it or nothing, but he seemed happy, and that was a damned sight more than what I’d been expectin’.

Julian took to it pretty well, too, right from the beginning. He was so happy just to be here, to be useful and learnin’, and well… kids bounce. And he was sure young enough to still bounce back with the best of ‘em. He was so damned grateful to be with us that he about fell over himself trying to do everything that was asked of him and then some. It was damned tiring even to watch him some days. But, damned if it wasn’t reassurin’ just the same.

Kay, on the other hand… Kay hadn’t taken to this place so well, at first. No matter how he trusted Julian, neither of ‘em knew Grimglass worth a damn, and a well-meaning Julian wasn’t worth nothing when he got them into a jam trying to find his way from one place to another. I might not have trouble finding my way around, but Kay and me together were a fucking joke—the crippled leading the blind. Shouldn’t neither of us be out on our own, sometimes, much less out on our own together. So, Kay stuck mostly to the manor house, in the beginnin’, pacing himself to exhaustion in the study or the little sitting room just beside. And even with Julian doing his best for him, it wasn’t long before he was starting to go a little batfuck.

Guess it was a good thing for everyone concerned that we got more than our share of problem solvers in the bunch… and little Richard Pallister turned out to be better motivation than any of us could’ve ever managed to be.

“Yes! That’s the way of it. Again, Richard!”

Who’d’ve thought it? Even with no eyes, Kay was still a damned good weapons instructor. It was just a new way of fighting, I guess. And he wasn’t stubborn about it like me, neither. Given time, he’d embraced what he’d lost, learned to work with it in ways I’d never have thought you could. And teaching Richard turned out to be just about the right speed for him to start to work out what he could and couldn’t do. Richard was head over heels for him, too, looked up to him like he hung the damned stars in the sky or something. It would’ve been embarrassing, if the kid wasn’t so affection-starved. Not that Vanessa didn’t try. When she was here, she sure did. But she wasn’t good with little kids, even her own. She was better with the older kids, like Julian. She’d be better with Richard, too, when he got there and could talk her language, but that was gonna take time. And until then…

C-RACK!

Richard let out a shriek of pure delight, threw the remains of his practice sword down on the ground, and started to dance around and cheer. Kay lifted his free hand to his face to cover his own expression—and whether he was laughin’ or cryin’ behind it was anybody’s guess. But if Richard’s wasn’t the happiest reaction to getting’ beat in a fight I’d ever seen, then I didn’t know what was.

Kay tilted his head to the side, then, finally letting us both see his smile as he called out, “Seems we’ll be needing another replacement, Mildmay.”

I nodded. “We should be buying up those wooden swords by the barrelful at the rate you’re goin’ through ‘em.”

As Richard ran off to go find Julian and tell him all about “Uncle Kay’s” victory, Kay made his way over to the bench I was sittin’ on and sat down next to me. He carried a cane these days, smaller’n Jashuki, thinner and way less sturdy, but he didn’t need it to hold him up like I did. He needed it to help find his way around… and to hide the sword he’d started carryin’ again. The first had been Julian’s idea, a way to help Kay be more independent. The second had been Kay’s, and really that had been about independence, too. He hadn’t liked bein’ defenseless, and once he started learnin’ his way around and gettin’ around on his own some, he’d insisted on it. Even if he wasn’t the fighter he’d once been, at least havin’ a hidden weapon would buy him enough time for help to get to ‘im if he ever needed it… or a final way out if help couldn’t get to ‘im at all. And it was the darndest thing, but carrying that sword around changed something in him. Made him more confident, more relaxed. It was like he’d gotten back a lost piece of himself even more precious than his eyes. That was when he’d started working with Richard, with himself. And he still might not be up to what he’d been in his prime, but he was a damned sight better than he’d been when he got here, and that was what counted.

Settling down next to me on the bench, Kay felt around found his canteen and took a sip. Wasn’t too hot a day, but he’d been working hard, even with Richard. His moves might not have the speed he’d once had, but he’d regained a hell of a lot of strength in this past indiction and he was workin’ hard to keep it. After that drink, he leaned back, closing his eyes and tilting his head up towards the sun. Sometimes, we talked, but sometimes… sometimes it was just good to not have to talk. That was something that people like Felix and Vanessa, even Julian and Richard, didn’t quite get. Sometimes there was just nothin’ to say… and that was a good thing.

After resting a few minutes, Kay got back up, feelin’ around with his cane as he made his way back over to the cleared out area of the practice yard. He stood there for a minute, feet apart, holding his cane at his hip like the sword it was, completely still, breathing deep. And a moment later… he was movin’.

Now, I seen some good fighters—brawlers, knife fighters, swordsmen. You name it, I seen it. I know what good looks like.

Kay is good.

He was going through those moves faster than I’d seen him do since he started trainin’ again. And the look on his face… fuck. I’m one scary son of a bitch, myself, and I would not have wanted to meet him in the dark. It was like he’d gone to this whole other place in his head. And I got it. For the first time since I’d known him, I was seein’ the Cougar o’ Rothmarlin in action, and damn, but it was a sight to see.

Long before he was finished, though, company started pourin’ into the yard—lots of it. It seemed all of fucking Grimglass was out there all of a sudden and I at least managed to grab Julian before he got himself underfoot. In the state he was in right now, Kay might not hear him, might not even realize he was there, until it was way too late. But it wasn’t until I heard Vanessa scream that I realized that Julian wasn’t the only kid with no sense in the yard, and no one had thought to grab the other one.

Richard.

He’d run right out to his Uncle Kay, blithely certain that it was safe, because that was what Kay meant to him—safety. Only right now, Kay was anythin’ but. Breathless from his excitement and his run, Richard managed to get within touchin’ distance just as Kay was bringing his sword around in an arc and fuck, what I wouldn’t have given not to be lame just then, because maybe I’d have been fast enough to stop—

—nothing.

Kay’s sword stopped dead midair, not more’n a handspan from Richard’s face, and for a second, just one fucking second, I’d have sworn his eyes had been miraculously cured, because no way, no how, could he have known Richard was there any other way, right?

Panting harshly, he slowly reached out a hand to touch Richard’s head. Even from here, I could see how that hand was trembling. He alone knew how close he’d really come just now, to at least givin’ Richard a scar as nasty as mine. Fuck if I could tell how he’d known to stop, neither. Instinct, maybe. We all had it, those of us who grew up fightin’. Or maybe he’d heard something I hadn’t, or smelled something. Whatever it was, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one damned grateful for it. I liked Richard. He was a good kid. And even now, he was crowded up to Kay like nothing had even happened, excitedly telling him about the visitor we had “from the _capitol_ , Uncle Kay!”

Kay turned then, unprompted, to face the direction Richard had come running from, head uplifted and cocked to the side, listening. Moments later, the Duke of Murtagh stepped up, this beamin’-wide smile on his face as he took in Kay’s disheveled appearance, the naked sword in his hand. And from the look on his face—that sly little smile, the slow crinkling around his eyes—he was thinkin’ exactly what it was that Felix would’ve been saying in the same situation. And from the sour look that suddenly came over Kay’s face, he suspected it, too. Sheathing his sword, he inclined his head in the Duke’s direction and said, cool as you please, “Duke Murtagh. Welcome to Grimglass.”

**_Murtagh_ **

Of all the things I expected to see upon my arrival at Grimglass, this vision of the past—Kay, sword in hand, dancing a deadly dance with an invisible opponent as though he’d never been blinded or defeated—was not at the top of the list. It wasn’t at the bottom of the list, either. Hell, it wasn’t even _on_ the damned list. I arrived in the yard with Vanessa just in time to see Richard run out to him, just in time to see him bring his sword to that miraculous stop mere inches from the boy’s face. And I am not so high and mighty that I could not admit to myself exactly what it was that I felt, watching him in action.

I’d never fought the Cougar of Rothmarlin before. I’d had no cause before my marriage to Isobel, and after my marriage we were kin. I’d also had no cause to see him fight. He was not one to put his skill on display for entertainment like those of my set who fought. For him, fighting was a necessity. It was something one did to survive. It was work, not a parlor trick. I had no illusions that what I’d seen just now even began to compare with what he had been before he’d been blinded, but even so… he was something to behold.

Kay Brightmore was savage beauty in motion. I’d missed that grace when I’d brought him to live with me, even more had I missed his confidence, that absolute certainty that he was exactly who and what and where he was supposed to be at any given time. It gave him a poise—that mantle of leadership which had always sat so easily on his shoulders—that few men had and many would pay to possess. I had not realized until now exactly how much I had missed it. Nor did I miss now, that like so many others… I too wished to possess. But not that poise and confidence, no. I wished to possess the man who owned them. And _that_ … that was a problem.

**_Mildmay_ **

Vanessa broke in and took charge of the Duke, dragging him back to the house and filling his ear with questions and gossip as they walked. He looked back over his shoulder plenty as he went, but Kay didn’t follow him. His face was turned down, eyes focused straight on his boots like he could actually see ‘em and was tryin’ to figure when they’d been polished last.

With everyone else followin’ the Duke and Vanessa, Julian and Richard included, that left just me and Kay. And Kay still wasn’t movin’, wasn’t even acknowledgin’ that I was there. And when I got up next to him, makin’ as much noise as I knew how to make—and that was plenty with Jashuki to help me—he _still_ didn’t pick his head up. When I got close enough, I said, “Hey,” and he startled just like I’d known he would, head flyin’ up and eyes wide and that trembling from his hands travelin’ over the rest of him like he was gonna shake himself apart.

I got a hand on his shoulder, gave him a squeeze. “You OK?” He finally did pick his head up, then, but all I got out of him for my trouble was a frown. “Yeah, I know. Dumb question. I’m full of ‘em, sometimes. Just ask Felix.” He looked away again, not payin’ me no more mind, and I let go of him, figured he’d talk if he wanted and nothing I did or said was gonna change it if he didn’t.

“I forgot myself.”

“Say what, now?” But I knew what he meant. At least I thought I did. When I first went lame, I forgot myself all the time, forgot there were things I couldn’t do no more. But in the moment, when I was doing things like I’d always done, before I remembered I was lame… I’d forget. Just for one stupid, precious moment… it’d be gone. I’d be whole.

…and then I’d pay the price for it.

This time it was him that reached out for me, feelin’ for my shoulder, then down my free arm to tuck his hand around it. These days, he was more’n capable of getting himself back to the house from here, but I guess he’d scared himself with Richard and didn’t trust himself no more. I got that, too. Slowly, without talking, I walked him back to the house and to his room, bypassing the sitting room where the Duke was talking with Vanessa altogether. Kay never once complained.

**_Murtagh_ **

Dinner was a relaxed affair, far more so than I had been expecting. Vanessa, Kay, Felix, his brother, Mildmay, Julian, and Richard all dined together, and no one seemed to stand on ceremony. Kay and Mildmay did not even change for dinner. They also did not say much during dinner. It put a bit of a damper on the evening for me, if the truth were known. I had missed matching wits with Kay and to see him so subdued was not welcome. Worse still was the thought it was somehow my fault, a thought bolstered by the glowering looks I was getting from Mildmay’s general direction. Then again, for all the attention such looks got from everyone else at the table, that impressive glower might simply be his resting face. They certainly paid it as little mind as though it were.

And all through dinner, Kay said nothing. In the sitting room after dinner, he also said very little. But it wasn’t until he retired to his study with barely more than a passing nod in the general direction of my side of the room that I decided enough was enough.

I followed him.

There was no doubt in my mind that he was aware he was being followed, and more, that it was me who was following him, but still he said nothing. He waited until we’d reached his study—all the way on the opposite side of the house—before even acknowledging my presence. He waved me into the study, then closed the door behind us. I watched as he felt his way to the fireplace, using that cane of his and the wall as guides, then took up one of the irons to poke the fire back into a blaze. That accomplished, he felt his way along the mantel to a large, cushioned chair set near the fireplace and settled into it. Only then did he acknowledge me again, waving me to the chair opposite his. I sat, waiting. I knew the look on his face—knew it well. He was deep in thought, and not of the pleasant variety.

We sat together, Kay and I, in complete silence. And rather than being discomfited by it, as normally I would be, I found this to be an easy silence and myself able to relax in it. And so, it was with slight startle that I finally heard Kay speak.

“Julian.”

Julian? Was it to be riddles then? “Kay, what—?”

“Your letter. It said you were coming to see his progress.” He shifted in his chair, sitting forward just slightly. “But cannot help but think that is not really why you’ve come.”

Of course. I laughed. “You always did see through me far too easily, didn’t you, Kay?” At his slightly sour look, I couldn’t help but laugh, again. When I calmed, he had settled back in his seat and was resting his head on one loosely clenched fist, the very picture of bored nobility to anyone who didn’t know him well. I, of course, knew him better than that. Relaxed he might look, but his cane—and the sword I now knew was within it—were within easy reach. Relax… I didn’t think Kay even knew the meaning of the word. 

I rose from my chair to go to the sideboard and pour myself a brandy. I did not even offer one to Kay, experience telling me that in such a heightened state he would not accept it, would not wish his remaining senses dulled. When I returned to my seat, I told him, “You’re not entirely wrong. I did come here to evaluate Julian’s progress, but I did have an ulterior motive for this visit.” Though he could not see it, I raised my glass to him and said, “To see you.”

“To see me?” Both of his eyebrows rose at that, along with the tone of his voice.

As I am honest with myself in ways I am with few others, I could admit to myself, at least, that seeing him so surprised at that wounded me. “Of course, to see you. Why else would I haul myself out to Grimglass? I have not forgotten that we are friends, Kay, even though you no longer live under my roof.”

“Or even in your half of the country?”

At the wry twist of his lips and the way they twitched, ever so slightly, as he spoke, I knew I was being teased. “Indeed. I would still consider you a friend, even if you lived so far away as Felix’s Melusine.” At those words, a slight flush crept into Kay’s cheeks. Here, now. What was that about? I leaned closer. “Have you plans to travel so far afield, Kay? As a friend, I would hope you would share such plans.” With nothing but a disgusted look earned for my words, I knew I had missed the mark. So if it were not Melusine to prompt such discomfort… “How _is_ Virtuer Harrowgate settling in at Grimglass?”

Ah. There it was, again. A small twitch. A slight flush. Barely enough to give him away to one who didn’t know him as I did. But I did know him. And Felix had somehow gotten under his skin. Knowing what I knew of Felix—and of a proclivity that he, Kay, and myself shared in common—I thought I understood. It had been no secret when Kay was Margrave of Rothmarlin, that he preferred to take men to his bed than women—a fact that had given me no few frustrated and sleepless nights when first we met—but I did not think that it went beyond that for him. He was a stranger to the world of flames and shadows, though, in truth, I’d spent enough of those sleepless nights trying to cast him in one of those roles to know that were he to ever express an interest, no matter which role he chose, I would be sorely tempted to partner him. It was the only time, before or since, that I had even contemplated taking on the role of a shadow to someone else’s flame.

Yet, I could not see Felix willingly divulging that knowledge to Kay. He was discreet in such matters—far more so than I’d initially given him credit for. But Felix would flirt with anything that moved. He did so as naturally as breathing. And no doubt, that would make Kay highly uncomfortable, given his current living situation. I leaned back in my chair, once more, placing the brandy on a nearby table, and said softly, “Has he been doing anything to make you uncomfortable, Kay?”

The speed with which Kay rose from his seat to start pacing quite startled me. I had not expected him to move so quickly, in spite of his display that afternoon, nor to be so comfortable in this space to move so and with such ease. But there we were. I resolved to stay in my seat and out of his way.

After several passes, he finally stopped near his desk, then turned to face me. “I know what he is, Murtagh. Is violet, like me. But… is more.” The tension running through him drained all at once and he reached out with one hand to steady himself on the desk for a moment before returning to his chair by the fire. Quietly, with great solemnity, he said, “In his Melusine… is accepted, not just to indulge the pleasure of the flesh, but to have a lover of like sex. To partner as if married. Is blasphemy… and yet…” His voice trailed off on a sigh and I found myself catching my own breath in turn.

When I had been younger, I had had a regular lover. Shadow to my flame and one who could have been a partner in every way. But I had been forced to cut him loose when Clovis stepped down as heir. I had lost my lover and my freedom, all at once. I’d resented it for years, the need to marry and produce an heir. I’d resented it even more when I realized that when I finally did given in and take a wife, that we would have no children. Because what was the difference, after all, between a contract with another man or one with a barren woman? None.

Of course now it was not so simple. For all her flaws and for all that I’d have once preferred her to be male… I loved Isobel. I did. She only rarely took me to her bed and we often quarreled like old maiden aunts, but I did love her. And in her own way, I believed that she loved me, too. More importantly than that, though, we understood each other. Just as I and Kay had a taste for men, so too did she have a taste for women. And so, I turned a blind eye to her lovers and in return she turned a blind eye to mine. And I understood her well enough to know that should something happen while I was here—between myself and Kay—that I had her tacit permission for such a dalliance. And such arrangements worked well enough for us and would continue to do so… but. There was a part of me of me still, who was young and in love and dreamed of being able to stay with the one who inspired it, rather than marry a woman I did not know. So, yes. I understood well the temptation that views such as Felix’s presented.

Rather than offer words—words which could be trite or misinterpreted—I merely reached out and laid my hand over Kay’s where it rested on the arm of his chair. It was the best I could give him to show him that he was not alone. I did not know if it was enough. After a few moments, he turned his hand in mine, gripping it tightly in return.

I would not ask about his marriage to Vanessa. I had to assume that he had done his duty in that respect. My reading of Vanessa was that she would not welcome another child and that while she and Kay had reached an understanding of sorts, it was not an intimate one. And that meant something. Whether it meant enough, however, remained to be seen.

Kay had still not removed his hand from mine, seemed content to leave it where it was. Softly, I asked the question that he had not quite managed to ask when our conversation veered in this direction all those minutes ago. “Were it not blasphemy… would you? Take another man as a lifelong partner?”

His answer was quick, but not nearly as decisive as I had expected.

“I do not know.” He tightened his grip on my hand momentarily. “Is part of me would have me say ‘yes’. But in the end… am not sure. Is hard to disagree with a lifetime of belief.” Then he released my hand, at last, his own clenching into a fist as he frowned.

I sympathized with his quandary but found I could not share in it. I was not so attached to religion as he. I never had been. And I had made my peace with this desire long ago. Could I have managed it, as Vanessa’s brother and his partner long had, I would have gladly taken another man as a life partner. And had it been an option, I’d have chosen Isobel’s brother over Isobel that long ago day 12 years ago. I leaned back, folded my hands together as I regarded Kay. His face was turned towards the fire, that contemplative frown still resting upon it. Quietly, leery of his reaction, I said, “Perhaps I am simply less attached to my religion than you are yours, but were it socially acceptable, I would pursue such a liaison with nary a qualm.”

Kay startled then, jerking to face me with widened eyes, brows raised. “You—?” He cut himself off then, his frown deepening. “Am not a clockwork toy to be wound up for your amusement, Murtagh. Is no point to this discussion. You are married, already, as am I.”

It was tempting to forget the matter, to leave off even the possibility of this unspoken thing between us, to seek out Felix and lose myself in that familiar rhythm of flame and shadow, a proposal to which I suspected Felix would be amenable. But I was not yet ready to give up hope. I had yearned for Kay Brightmore for years, a fact which, though often conveniently pushed aside, was never forgotten. And with such a forcible reminder as he had served me just this afternoon, I was not willing to give up. Not yet. Leaning forward, I took Kay’s hand once more into mine. “Because, married or not, Kay, I will tell you a truth—as much as I love your sister, had it been an option 12 years ago, I’d far rather have married you, and as I’d not have gotten children from either of you, I have difficulty seeing much difference between why one liaison would be accepted and the other not.”

Too much truth, far too soon. I could see it in his face. Body tensing, Kay all but leapt from his seat to begin pacing again. I settled back, patient as ever, as I watched him work it all out. Kay always had thought best when in action, and he was as graceful in this sort of motion as he was on a battlefield. I would not deny, even to myself, that I rather enjoyed watching him as he moved. His mind was working furiously; I could tell by the jerky motions of his hands—a counterpoint to his grace in every other way. It would not take long for him to reach a conclusion, I knew from experience, but what that conclusion would be was anyone’s guess. Would he accept my so very blatant proposal? And if so, in what way? For a night? For longer? Not at all? In spite of my resolve to stay calm, I found myself tensing further with each pass that he made across the room.

Eventually, Kay’s pacing slowed its furious haste, bringing him to rest just behind my chair and to my right. His voice was harsh, a hint of a growl in it as he spoke. “So, would have me encourage my sister’s husband to dally out of wedlock—and with her own brother?”

I continued facing forward, allowing Kay to keep the high ground behind me as I answered, “It was Isobel who sent me here, Kay. She is an intelligent woman, and we have our own understanding. She knew precisely what it was she sent me to you for.” A small laugh escaped me as I recalled the arch look that had been upon her face as she ordered me to make this visit. Nor would it surprise me upon my return to find that one of her “dear friends” had made a protracted visit in my absence. We understood each other well, Isobel and I. It was one of many reasons why I loved her.

“What would you have of me, then? Would have me be your kept violet-boy?” 

Kay would be frowning with those words, I was sure of it. His presence was a radiating warmth behind me, and it was the most exquisite of tortures not to allow myself to turn and look upon him as we spoke. But it was only fair, after all, since he could not see me, either. I shrugged. “I would never have you be anything more or less than yourself, Kay. You are your own man, not my dependent. You owe me nothing but what you choose to give me as a friend. If you do not wish this, simply say so, and I will never mention it again.”

Though I had been listening hard for any movement on Kay’s part, still he startled me when his hand gripped my shoulder. My heart shuddered into a faster pace, pounding uncomfortably in my throat for a moment before settling. His hand tightened its grip, then relaxed, drifting down from my shoulder to my arm in a move that I could only call a caress. He leaned closer, spoke his next words directly into my ear, a soft murmur. “I do not have an answer for your larger question, but this I do know—long have I denied myself the pleasures of the flesh. Vanessa and I… our relationship is not like that and she knows what I am. She has told me before that she would not begrudge me this. An you are willing…”

Now, I allowed myself to turn, lifting my face to catch the lips hovering so near. Though chaste at first, a mere press of lips, it did not remain so for long. Kay was a man of passion, both in battle and in love. This was a thing I had long suspected, and I was more than pleased with such confirmation. His grip tightened on my arm, then quickly trailed back up to cup my jaw, to guide us closer as he opened his mouth, deepening our kiss, pressing his tongue to mine. Though he might agonize over a decision, Kay was definitive with the course of action once it was made. And even if just for tonight, this decision had clearly been made. I lifted my own hand, buried it in the soft strands of his hair and gave a soft tug, testing. He grunted at the move, but surged against me just the same. Promising… promising. I smiled.

Soon, we parted, and my lips stung as though with pins and needles. Isobel did not kiss so—at least she did not kiss _me_ so. My heart raced, and I was suddenly far too warm. As though reading my mind, Kay said, “Is not an appropriate time or place for further dalliance. I will come to you later, once the household has gone to their beds for the night. Will wait for me?”

I leaned in, pressed one last kiss upon him and whispered my own answer in his ear. The full body shudder I felt him give in response was all the answer I needed.

* * *

It was full dark when the door to my room opened, and had it not been for the soft glow of the hallway light, I might not even have noticed. By the time the door had closed once more, I had pushed myself upright, my heart speeding up once again in my chest. The mattress dipped near my feet as another weight settled upon it, and I smiled. “You came. I confess, I feared you might not, that you would change your mind.”

There was a lightness in Kay’s voice when he answered, a touch of the humor I so admired in him. “An you would prefer me to go, this can be arranged, as well.”

I reached out to catch whatever part of him was in reach, but found only empty air. He laughed. “I seem to have the advantage of you for once. Are not accustomed to moving about in the dark as I am. Could take true advantage of this were I so minded.”

He could, too. It was not something we had discussed. It had been long since I had played a role other than flame in the bedroom, and I was still unsure that I would even wish to try, though I suspected not. This had long colored my desires in bed. I knew not how to broach such a thing with Kay. He was unlike any other lover I had had, an equal in nearly every way it was possible to be an equal, and a friend besides. Outside of the bedroom, I had no power over him, and was not sure I wished it in the bedroom, either.

A calloused hand settled on my chest where my nightshirt gaped wide. “You think too much, Murtagh. Are just two friends, sharing pleasure for a night, as comrades in arms might on the eve of battle. Is no shame in that. Is no need for thought. Just action. Don’t think… _feel_.”

With that, Kay leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. And as simply as that, we were back in the moment we had left that evening. Gone were my worries over how to approach this assignation. Gone were my worries over what it meant. If he would have us be two soldiers sharing pleasure in the night and have it be forgotten in the light of morning, there was a freedom in that to which I was unaccostumed.

We pulled away from each other just long enough to divest ourselves of our nightshirts, then we were pressed together, again. Kay proved himself quickly to be no blushing bride, no matter what I might secretly have suspected. Though the thought of an emotional attachment to another man was one he had balked at, he was clearly no stranger to the physical aspects of such loving. It was not long before he had pulled himself into my lap, his legs spread to either side of mine as he pressed against me. He was a man who knew what he wanted from a lover and wasted no time in getting it. Not for the last time that night, I cursed the fact that I had not thought to leave a light burning. He would have been beautiful in his passion and I would have loved to see it.

Kay’s next kiss had teeth and I jumped, my hands leaping from his hips to his face as I gasped. Pulling back even as he rocked against me, he growled, “Are a thousand miles away from here, Murtagh. If I am boring you that much, maybe I should go.”

I laughed then, and surged upwards to claim his lips once more, sliding one hand back down to rest on Kay’s hip and sliding the other around his chest. Using my grip as leverage, I reversed our positions, my greater size allowing me to press him to the bed cushions with ease. He fought me at first, straining against me and cursing, but long practice at dominance in the bed allowed me to pin his wrists over his head, even as I bent my head to lavish attention on the sensitive skin of his neck and chest. He bucked beneath me, still cursing, but I merely smiled, knowing I had won—for if Kay Brightmore wanted to be free of my grip, he was more than capable of freeing himself. There were a hundred ways that a man of his martial skill could have broken free of me in this position, but apart from his token struggles—which seemed mostly to serve to push him against me rather than away—he made no such effort.

Nothing about this encounter had gone as I had planned. Sex was a game mostly of the mind for me, had been for a long time. It was about setting the scene, getting into your partner’s mind to discover their deepest desires… and then using those desires to break them down to a level of pure instinct and desire, if only temporarily. This… this was anything but. Sex with Kay was purely of the body, not the mind, as so many things about him were. Intensely physical, roiling with passion, there was not a single moment when he was still, even when I thought I had him trapped completely beneath me. It was fast and almost brutal in its way—like attempting to ride the cougar which was his namesake.

Eventually we settled into a rhythm of give and take, Kay arching beneath me, his legs wrapped around my waist as he surged up to latch his mouth to mine, to my shoulders, to my neck, my chest, to whatever part of me he could reach. In return, I rocked against him, returning the favor of those kisses even as I freed one hand to reach between us, taking us both in hand. Though I spared a brief regret for the loss of my grand plans of an extended game of dominance and submission between us, I gave in to the pace he had set us with barely a qualm. There was something exciting in this frenetic coupling, so unlike my usual fare, and it was so quintessentially Kay that it was like being allowed a visitor’s pass in a foreign kingdom.

Even as I rocked against him, I released us and reached my hand lower, momentarily taking his testicles in hand before reaching behind to stroke the soft skin of his perineum. He let out a choked noise and ducked his head into my chest, even while pushing down against my hand.

I pulled my hand back up from between us, then, and pressed my fingers to his lips. He took them eagerly, swiping his tongue across them, coating them liberally with spit. When I attempted to pull them free, he refused to let them go, sank his teeth lightly into them to keep them a moment longer, and it was my turn then to let out a soft curse, my cock throbbing in time with Kay’s eager suckling. I wasn’t going to last much longer at this rate, and I almost laughed at how embarrassingly fast this was going to be compared to my usual dalliances. Eventually, Kay released my fingers and I trailed them back down between us, this time circling his entrance with my middle finger before slowly pressing it inside. He let out a soft cry and arched up against me, pushing down on my finger long before I would have pressed it deeper.

By the Lady… he was magnificent. As exquisite in his way as Felix had been in his, I thanked my lucky stars that I had had the opportunity to have had either of them like this, much less both. I pressed my finger deeper, adding a second when it became clear that I need not wait to do so, searching for that spot that I knew would bring him over the edge if I could but find it. I knew the moment I had found what I sought. Kay’s entire body tensed and his legs clamped tight around my hips, trapping my arm in place between us as easily as I had held his wrists in place from the start.

Moments later, he proved my earlier musings correct. With no more difficulty than pulling his hands from a pair of gloves, Kay freed his hands from my grip and clamped them on my shoulders, using the leverage he gained in doing so to reverse our positions again, and using the strength in his legs to keep my arm and hand exactly where they were. I should have been surprised at this, but I found myself anything but. Moments later, he was reaching between us himself, stroking a hand slick with spit over my manhood. I nearly protested, used to needing far more than spit to attempt what I suspected he was about to do, but as with so much this night, this too went Kay’s way. He relaxed his legs from around me, allowing me to pull my arm free and guided me to place my hands on his hips. He then shifted up and forward and sank slowly down onto me.

Once he was settled, my hands gripping bruises into his hips at the sudden heat and pressure on my manhood, Kay braced his hands on my chest and started to move. Rising and falling, slamming his hips down with every thrust, Kay was feral, wild in his passion, and I lamented once more that I could not see him. Next time… next time I would light a lantern, a candle, a room _full_ of lights, so as not to miss this sight.

I braced my feet on the bed, started thrusting up to meet him as he came down, then released one hip to reach up and wrap a hand around his neck to bring him down for a kiss. He came willingly, though he cried out into the first press of our lips as the new position changed the angle he was coming down at. It wasn’t long after that that Kay shuddered in my arms and clamped down hard upon me, bringing me quickly over the edge with him.

Kay collapsed against me then, boneless and panting, and I found myself short of breath right along with him. Sex with Kay was akin to sex with a whirlwind. But more than that, he had controlled the encounter from the very first moment of stepping into my room, and I didn’t know whether _that_ fact was more surprising to me… or the fact that it didn’t truly surprise me, at all.

After a moment of laying atop me and regaining control of his breathing, Kay rolled to the side and turned onto his back. Shortly thereafter he prodded my shoulder. “Again, you think too much. If you are so often distracted like this in bed, it begins to make sense why Isobel foisted you off on me.” 

At that, I finally laughed. “I fear that you and I have had very different experiences of sex until now. It would be unfair to compare, but I am used to a far slower, more deliberate pace. You surprised me and I am so rarely surprised, even out of bed, that I could not help but marvel at it, even during the act itself. I can promise that you will not catch me so unprepared a second time… should you wish there to be a second time.”

He did not answer right away, nor did I expect him to. Though a far cry from asking him to be a life partner, such a query still hinted at a constancy, a permanency, that tread far too close to territory with which Kay was still vastly uncomfortable. But he would think on it. Of that, I was certain. Eventually, he said, “Never was there time for more than hurried couplings. Stolen hours before battle or huddled by the fire for warmth. I knew it could never be anything more and never tried to make it so.”

“Whereas I have made a veritable study of drawing the act out, of indulging myself as much as I can, when I can.” At Kay’s snort of disapproval, I added, “Both ways have their merits, certainly, but there is much more I could show you than the wild frenzy of a soldier’s passion, if you wished it.”

Kay was silent for so long that I feared he had fallen asleep. Just as I was about to follow him and give in to sleep myself, however, he finally spoke. "Am no innocent, Murtagh. There are rumors. Always, there are rumors. And have lived with Felix this entire year past, and, as you have hinted, he is often not as subtle as he should be. Has made no secret that he would have me be flame to his shadow, an I were willing. But you… if I am not mistaking your meaning, you would have me play the opposite role for you.” 

Kay paused then, turning towards me and reaching out to rest his hand on my chest as he said, “Am not so much a stranger to the ways of submission as you think. Though he never would have, an he had asked it of me, I would have submitted so for him in a heartbeat."

"Gerrard." Kay flinched, but I continued, a question in my tone, if not my words. "You speak of Gerrard."

Softer now, barely more than a whisper. "Yes. Though there was not this between us, in every other way, I was shadow to his flame. Was his dog, and would have been content to lay at his feet every night had he but asked it of me. I do not know that I have it in me to be so for another man. I don’t know that I would want it… even for you."

"You loved him." No more questions now, a mere statement of fact. "As one would love a wife. Had it been permissible, had it been accepted… for him, you would have done it."

Now not even a whisper, more a movement of lips with barely the suggestion of sound. "Yes."

And in that moment, staring down at Kay's bowed head, I realized that I just might get everything I wanted, after all. It would have to be a slow, careful, quite deliberate and open seduction, but I was nothing if not careful, patient, and deliberate. And I had time. I had a lifetime. Slipping a finger under Kay’s chin, I tilted his face up into a soft kiss, not asking anything, much less demanding it. He responded completely, a surrender in his frame brought about by memories of Gerrard that had been absent earlier in the night. Yes… I could work with this, indeed.

But that was for another time, perhaps even another visit. For now, I simply settled down into the pillows, allowing Kay his own choice of whether to stay or go.

He chose to stay.

**_Mildmay_ **

I don’t know who they thought they were foolin’, Kay and the Duke, but it was clear as fucking day what they’d been up to last night when they showed up to breakfast the next morning. Felix went from wearin’ his wet-cat look about it to tryin’ to tease ‘em on the sly about it every two seconds. When Vanessa rolled her eyes at his antics and left the table to start her day, the Duke finally shut him up by asking who he was actually jealous of, he or Kay, and Kay just about killed ‘em both with a look—and judgin’ by how the Duke was limpin’ when he got up from the table, that look had been helped along by a well-placed heel planted in his instep. Having clearly had enough of both Felix and the Duke, Kay gathered up Julian and Richard and retreated to his study, ostensibly to go over the accounts and teach a lesson or two about things that would bore me to tears. Felix removed himself with just as much speed to the lighthouse, ready to pore over some musty tomes of his own, and that left me with the Duke. And damned if I knew what to do with him once I had him.

We sized each other up from down the length of the table, and I was just trying to figure out exactly how much trouble I’d be in if I just up and left him there and went and hid for a while when he tossed me a smile just as startling as one of Felix’s five-alarmers and, fuck it all, I was lost before I even started. They were cut from the same cloth the pair of ‘em and he was gonna charm me into doing something I sure as fuck didn’t want to, just like Felix would have once upon a time; I was just sure of it.

Turned out that what he wanted, though, was to walk. So, I showed him the house, the grounds, the little town just down the road. He shopped in the stores, buying a little something in each one, givin’ support in the only way a visiting Duke could, and that said somethin’ about him, sure enough. When we were done in town we headed out to the lighthouse and I started to wonder when it was that he was gonna get around to saying whatever it was he’d dragged me out here to say. Turned out it took all the time to get to the lighthouse and nearly half the time it took to get back before he got to it. And it wasn’t what I’d been expectin’ by a long shot.

“You and Kay… you were friends in Esmer. You came by each week to read to him before—“ He stopped, then shook his head and continued. “Before Summerdown. Yes?”

I nodded, not wanting to have to fight to get myself understood by someone as cultured as Felix and with no kind of practice trying to understand me.

He smiled then, relaxed a fraction. “That’s good. You seem to be cut from the same cloth in a way. You understand him in ways I don’t. And it’s clearly been good for him that he has a friend like you here with him; I haven’t seen him this much like himself in years, certainly not since the tragedy that blinded him. I think that you’ve been a part of that, and I thank you.”

I shrugged, ducked my head. “Weren’t nothin’ anyone else wouldn’t’ve done.”

And damn, but he didn’t need to ask me to repeat myself. Either I was gettin’ better at talkin'—and pigs might sprout wings and fucking fly—or he was a damned good listener. He smiled at me and shook his head. “It isn’t, and I think you know it. Kay may never be what he once was, but most would have at least expected him to try to be. You don’t. Kay and Felix, both… you simply allow them to be who they are, even if who they are is different from who they were and different from who you hoped they could be. That is a remarkable gift, that support. Kay may never be able to thank you directly for it, nor I suspect, would Felix, but I see it, and I would have you know that I appreciate it.”

And if that just didn’t beat all. You could have knocked me straight over into the mud at the roadside after that speech and I don’t think I’d have even protested none. What the hell was even wrong with these nobles and hocuses that just actin’ like a decent human being was so fucking extraordinary to ‘em? But he was sincere about it and that just took the cake. So I did the only thing I could do. I shrugged and said again, “It weren’t nothing. You don’t gotta thank me for that.”

But of course he didn’t care about that, none. He thought I needed thankin’ so thankin’ I would get. Well, good for him. He wasn’t the one who was gonna have to deal with the two wet cats he was gonna leave behind when he swanned outta here in a decad. What good was his gratitude gonna do me, then? I turned to face him, my cheeks fare burnin’ even just thinkin’ about what I was about to say. To be fair, he stopped walking and gave me his full attention. “You really wanna thank me? Square things with Felix before you go. You’re all grown men and you’re gonna fuck who you want and it don’t much matter to me who, but there’s one fuck all of a storm brewin’ between the three of you and I’d appreciate you sorting it out before you go so I don’t gotta do it after you leave.”

He frowned at me for a minute or two, his face workin’ as he puzzled out what I’d said. Yeah, what of it? I was embarrassed as fuck to even have to bring it up and I talked faster’n I should’ve and said too damned much. I guess it’d be on my own head if I had to say any of it twice. But it seemed that he’d gotten enough of the gist of it because he didn’t ask me to repeat nothin’. Instead he just smiled and gave me this small bow and said, “Consider it done, Mr. Foxe.” Then he spotted Kay out in the yard again and excused himself to do fuck only knows what. And from the wet-cat look I could see Kay givin’ him even from this far away, he was as pleased with the Duke that day as I was.

But it was none of my damned business, anyway. I’d already had more of a say about it than I’d wanted and I washed my hands of the whole mess. I turned myself around and headed back out to the lighthouse. If Felix stayed out of the way in the archives, I just might be able to get some of that maintenance work done that I’d been puttin’ off. And if he didn’t… well. At least he’d have company while he brooded.

**_Murtagh_ **

In the end, I spent a thoroughly enjoyable week at Grimglass and returned to Esmer feeling well-rested and incredibly sated. As I’d promised Mildmay, I had had that talk with Felix, and it had been far more helpful and extensive than I had expected. The truth about Felix, I suspected, was that he had needs and desires that he did not fully understand. It was all wrapped up in lovers from his past—some of them men who had used and abused him when he was far younger than anyone should be for games of that sort—and his feelings about sex were stunted in some ways, as those of a child. But Felix was not a child. He was a man, and an eloquent one; one enough like myself that I felt I understood him. And so we talked, and we came to an understanding. We had no hold on each other, nor would either of us want one—we were far too alike for that—but an occasional indulgence between us would not only not go amiss, but would be warmly welcomed.

And that was even better than I’d dreamed to work out between us, for now I had a ready outlet for my darker passions while I worked out my gentler ones with Kay. I might bring him around to my side of the bed eventually, but for now, I would enjoy his way and that which he was willing to give me. And once unrestrained from thoughts of morality, he had been far more giving than I’d had any right to hope. And if I still thrilled to watch him practicing with his sword—a beautiful dance of grace and danger that I’d never thought to see again—and still wished to possess the man who owned such grace and power, then I could at least content myself with the knowledge that though I might not ever possess him for good, at least sometimes he gave himself freely to me as a gift.

Gerrard Hume had been a fool for many, many reasons, but none more so than this: to have had such a being of grace and power before him, willing and eager to submit, and to have refused him. Gerrard was an open wound for Kay, still, and would be for many years to come, but with deliberate patience and care, I had hopes that I could help him to heal it and move beyond it.

…because I was nothing if not careful, patient, and deliberate, and for Kay Brightmore, I had all the time in the world.


End file.
